I bought my daughter a new swimsuit.

It is green and pink.

It is Hello Kitty.

It is size 6.

Today after school she wanted to try it on so that she could play in the backyard.  I helped her put it on and then she stood in front of the mirror.  She pinched the side of her torso and proclaimed, "I look fat." 

I just about fell over.  I was so caught off guard with her comment.  She is still just six years old wearing pink and green Hello Kitty swimsuits.  How in the world does my girl know how to think this way?  What is her concept of "fat?" 

I looked at her in shock and said, "I don't ever want to hear you say that."  Then she started crying hysterically.  It look sometime to calm her down so that we could talk.  In fact, she was so hysterical that I walked away angry.  I get really frustrated when she cannot calm down.  I walked into the backyard and got the hose and sprinklers ready for play.  She stood at the door crying.  I was angry.  But then I heard a voice urge me towards conversation with my girl.  This topic was important.  The budding ideas of body image.  This would be a part of her life as a woman, even as a girl.  Unfortunately.

I picked her up and put her on the backyard swing.  We swung together in the sunny Spring breeze.  She informed me that she hears me say that I am fat.  Oh my.  Yep.  She is right.  I do say that.  I never thought about her delicate little girl ears listening and observing her mama's words.  I pictured myself standing in front of the mirror and saying, "I am fat," all the while a little girl watched on.  She told me that she doesn't look like herself anymore.  That her body just "looks different" and it makes her cry.  My heart aches.

I asked for her forgiveness for calling myself fat.  I told her that God made me and that God made her and that He made us beautiful.  He made us exactly who we are.  No mistakes.  She calmed down.  Her big beautiful blue eyes streaked with tears.  Listening to my words.  Trusting in what I say.  Always listening to her mama, even when I tear myself down.  She is listening.  My heart aches.

It begins, I guess. 

Her growing into a lady. 

Her journey beginning today. 

At age six.

My journey begins today as well.

Teaching my daughter how to love herself.

Learning not to tear down,

but to build up.

While walking to our car across the elementry campus,

my daughter informed me that she could not be friends with a few girls in her class because they are cheerleaders and, "mom" she said, "you can only be their friend if you are a cheerleader" my daughter causally informed me.

At the time, my sweet shy daughter was five years old.

In kindergarten.

At a private Christian school.

How is this happening already I thought to myself? 

I thought these things began in 6th grade, not kindergarten. 

Then I spotted the cheerleaders.

In their cheering uniforms.

With special socks and shoes.

And prom-like fancy hair.

The exclusive club already if full swing.

I look down at my girl.

My heart feels an ache.

The ache is produced by the knowledge of what she is up against.

Not with cheerleaders alone, but with the business of growing up.

It is a tough business.

Hard.
Sad.

At times fun,

but with a heavy serving of confusion.

This stage of mothering has ushered me toward a walk down memory lane.

What do I remember from Kindergarden?

Was I scared? nervous? shy?

Was I aware of boys?

Were girls mean?

Bras, periods, etc.

And ultimately, when did I feel that my childhood was over?

I think I will begin exploring these topics on my blog. 

Stay tune...

My Abby turned six on Easter Sunday. 
She can almost tie her shoe.
She can write words; sentences even!
She can run to class on her own.
She can do math.
She can do the swings all by herself and sore high up in the sky.
She can tell jokes.
Get dressed.
Help with the dishes.
She can make friends.
Resolve conflict without my help.
Help her brother.
She can pray and sing praises.
She can say hello without hiding behind my leg. (most of the time)
She can sing, memoize verses, read book, and play video games.
She is six.

She is 1/3 of the way grown. 
I have mothered her for 1/3 of her childhood.
I have this distict memory of walking her up and down our hallway when she was a newborn. 
She would cry and I would get out of bed and walk my Abby.
I could hold her entire body with one of my arms.

Now she is six,
with three lose teeth,
nobby knees,
bright blue eyes,
an inquizative mind,
and a very sensitive heart towards God, and
I can hardly carry her anymore.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!

A few nights ago Abby asked me, "mom, what did it look like before there was an earth or humans or planets--when it was just God?"

GEEZE! This girl is such a profound thinker already!!

I told her that I do not know. She told me that when she gets to heaven she will ask God. I told her that that was a great idea. Then she asked me, "what does God's voice sound like?" I told her that His voice is kind. Then she thought about it and said, "yeah, mom. I think it is like really deep but very kind."

And it made me think. What a wonderful question to be bouncing around my kindergardeners head! Ever since they were babies I have prayed over them at night. One of my prayers is "Lord let them know your voice and follow you forever." Looks like God is at work. Isn't He wonderful?

Have a SUPER weekend.
Get it?

“These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” -Deuteronomy 6: 6-7

This verse was on my sidebar today. Here is more of the story:

4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.[a] 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
10 When the LORD your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, 11 houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied, 12 be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

What a great reminder.

God is our provider.

All we need to do is love him.

With our hearts.

Our soul.

Our strength.

He will do everything else.

Although comforting--this is a tall order for me.

I like to plan.

I like to try my best to arrange things.

To ensure things are in place.

To line things up for the future.

Although taking an active part in my life is surely not an evil thing,

the truth is--God already has it done.

Without my freeting.

Without my planning.

Without my internet researching.

(ha)

He will give.

It is our job to love Him and receive what he gives.

It is also our job to love Him even when he withholds,

for withholding is for our good too.

And when our hearts have been made more pure,

more understanding of Him,

more ready to glorify God this side of eternity, then he gives.

He gives.

I pray with my kids as much as I can.

Our best prayers are before bed and when we drive to school.

I will always ask, "who needs a prayer?"

Abby always says, "i do!"

Logan always says, "not me."

I pray for them both anyway.

Lately when I pray with them, I ask God to help us learn how to love him better. I figure that this request is an important one. When we know how to love him more and love Him with all of what we have--we will surley be in a good place, right?

Just planted where ever we are

loving Him.

Last weekend we....

Dumped warm laundry on the kids

Ate some ice cream

Watched movies together

Ate some pancakes

(that's my night owl above. she wakes up slllooowww like her mama)

Went to the park with sports gear and baby gear